15 Ways To Make Your Band Believe They Are Going Somewhere

It's a struggle being in a band. You spend all of your spare cash on equipment, room hire and studio time. You spend all your free hours practicing, writing songs, trying to hone your skills and come up with stuff that you are happy with and that you hope other people will enjoy. It's hard work, and often the only return you get is a few people nodding their heads in appreciation of your live set.

But, given all this hard work, what do most bands want? They want to be recognised, taken seriously, successful even. And how do they measure that success? By playing sold-out shows? Selling enough merchandise to keep them in guitar strings? Having three people download their EP? Headlining Glastonbury?

The measure of success is different from band to band. But, after many years spent in the regional 'music scene' (if there is indeed such a thing), I find it easy to spot those bands that don't have any measure of success (or talent), but make the mistake of trying to give the impression they have.

Such bands make the same mistakes over and over again. Rather than make them look professional, it just emphasises the fact that they are getting nowhere against the tidal wave of wannabe bands out there. It doesn't fool anybody and makes them look even more amateurish and immature. Enough, already!

So, here's a tongue-in-cheek list of 15 things you can do to make yourself (but no one else) believe you are going somewhere!

1. Organise five gigs in small city-center pubs or bars within 20 miles of your hometown and then call it 'The UK Tour'.

2. Organise ten more gigs, each playing to three people, and convince yourself it is 'increasing your fan base'.

3. Take your acoustic guitar to the park, video yourself singing a song with your phone, put it on youtube and call it 'The Park Sessions'.

4. Write a band bio using tried and tested phrases such as 'making waves in the local music scene', 'reinventing the genre', 'throwing away the rule book' and 'a unique sound'.
 
5. Assume that phrases like 'tearing it up on stage', and 'ripping the place apart' are universally accepted as evidence of a good live performance.

6. Get a random comment on your Reverbnation or Bandcamp profile and call it a 'review', linking to it in your 'press pack'.

7. Be offered a gig at a 900 capacity venue, but have to pay the promoter £400 for the privilege, but still insist this is a good career move.

8. Enter a battle of the bands competition, convinced it is ethically different to X Factor and that winning it will have an impact on your success or otherwise.

9. Assume that 'radio play' on Pigsknuckle FM is helpful and actually reaches more than 20 people, all of whom share your taste in music.

10. Buy the cheapest possible equipment, and enough FX boxes to mean you don't actually have to learn to play your instrument at all.

11. Be flattered that music executives/record labels/PR companies are pursuing you to 'boost your career' and be confident that the £900 they want you to pay them up front is money well spent.

12. Be proud that you have signed to Dumbkopf Records and assume that their chief executive, Daffy, will do a great job of producing your material from his bedsit in Lewisham.
 
13. Publicise the fact that your band, who no one's ever heard of, have supported some phenomenal bands... who they've never heard of either.

14. Ignore the fact that even after five years hard slog, your audience still only consists of your immediate family, Uncle Pete, Auntie Marge, your bezzies, and everyone you were at school with.

15. Dress and act like a complete idiot.

 Next, try out 12 Ways To Make Your Music Pants!