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More Ways To Make Your Band Believe They Are Going Somewhere

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Music is great, isn't it? There's music for every mood and every occasion. From the delightful counterpoint of Bach, the swirling emotion of Wagner, to the twee pop of Sandy Shaw and the gut-wrenching angst of Megadeath. There's so much to choose from. Some of us choose just one genre and revel in it. Some of us constantly explore the moving musical landscape and change our allegiances like socks. There's good music, and there's bad, but the choice as to whether it's one or the other is entirely subjective. Many people will hate it, but somebody, somewhere, will like it. So, in a very real sense, there's no 'bad' music at all.

But there are bad bands, right? Yes, you know who they are. You've seen them play live a million times. You've frowned (or laughed) at their Facebook posts. You've cringed at their embarrassing and immature hype. Maybe you even played bass for them once!

So, what is it that makes them bad? Not the music of course, which is all good (although there are degrees of 'good' bordering on 'bad'). No, it's usually their attitude, their gimmick or their propaganda. Of course, the world would be less interesting without them, and we love them (kind of) for their unswerving faith in themselves (and their blind denial). Hey wait, are you even one of them?

If so, and you've already mastered the 15 Ways To Make Your Band Believe They Are Going Somewhere here's another 12 things you can do to make yourself (but no one else) believe you are 'the bees knees'!

1. Assume that you will make it as big as band 'X' by carefully emulating exactly what band 'X' sound like, what they write about, how they look, how they talk, how they walk, and how they serve customers at Maccy D's.

 2. Assume that getting an idiotic haircut (think Morrisey or Jared Leto, maybe), or dressing like a cross between Ronald McDonald and Amanda Lepore, not only makes you cool but is sufficiently distracting that no one will notice your band are crap.

 3. Assume you can make it big by reinvigorating a (thankfully) forgotten genre of music, even though said genre was knuckle-bitingly awful the first time 'round. Really, The Darkness were a once-in-a-million fluke, and rightly so!

4. Assume you are still living in an era when music executives actually frequented live music venues and instantly snapped up any serious talent with a swish of their pen. And it's only a matter of time. Honestly, there's no one frequenting live music venues, let alone music executives!

5. If a venue ban you for playing too loud, or giving them attitude (or not actually showing up at all), have a serious rant on Facebook against said venue and its management, decrying the fact that they know nothing about good music or what music fans really want. All ten of your fans will undoubtedly support you!

 6. Announce to the world that you are in negotiation with a major label for a 3 album deal when in fact you just sent your bassist down to London on the train clutching a copy of your home-produced EP and some vague directions to Virgin EMI Records, in Kensington, or somewhere...

 7. Have a regular rant on Facebook and Twitter about the state of the music business and how you are single-handedly going to reverse the decay and subjugation of real musical talent, like yourself, for instance...

 8. Insist that you are (and bill yourself as) 'the best band in the world', or 'the next big thing', or some such nonsense, even though the evidence is clearly and irrevocably to the contrary.

 9. Ignore the fact that, despite your huge, loyal following, you still have to beg your fans to 'vote' for you to get a slot at a minor local music festival or win an X-factor-style talent competition (thinly veiled as a 'battle of the bands'), and even if you are successful at either of these, only three of them will actually have turned up to watch.

 10. Buy inexpensive flight cases and stamp them with your band logo and a made-up equipment coding system, in the mistaken belief that people (including venue staff) will believe you are professional, hardened and successful tourers, even though you just wheeled the said flight cases from your Dad's garage round the corner.

11. Believe, and state publicly, that your lack of dollar success is merely because you are 'too eclectic', or you are an 'underground movement', or you are 'misunderstood' by the mainstream music press, despite irrefutable evidence that you are, in fact, simply 'shit'.

12. Assume that achieving points 1-11 gives you the right to act like a complete tosser.

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